Why when we get hurt by other people we take it for granted that this is the way things happen and will always happen as long as we are willing to try? Okay success only happens very few times and again the road is long and hard to reach the top.


But when the other way round happens is even harder and more painfull, especially when the intention was not there, was never there.


How you explain to somebody that you were a coward, yes a coward, in a way. Coward that you did not want to destroy their dream and that you tried very hard and really hoped and wished that everything will work but it did not….


Happiness is an elusive dream, that’s what I start to think and better give up the hope that exists. Better this way, at least the only one who will get hurt at the end is me but I do not care, after all it is my decision. I can accept hurting myself, I cannot accept hurting others…


Recently I decided to be just a part of the crowd, just another anonymous face, I failed once and I got hurt. That helped in a way because I remained in the sidelines for some time and did what I wanted at the time, move around not affect anybodys life and for sure not mine at the end of the day. I though it is cyber space, it is just typing at the end of the day and if the emotions try to get over you just disconnect and no harm done.


However for one more time I was wrong or to put it correctly, life proved me wrong and the worst part I did not got hurt, or not that much. I new that failure was possible and kept my defences very high. It almost worked. But the worst part is that it worked for her and she invested a lot in very little time. Her mistake you will think and in a way yes you are right.


I blame myself because when I tried to pull away I did not have the strength to go all the way, I had the chance but I did not and after I rushed to a very quick decision that I should not have had. Okay we are all people and we are allowed mistakes.


That I am under a lot of stress and pressure it is not excuse. I should have used my better judgement. I know that I may be very hard on myself but that’s what I am and I cannot change. I am sorry and hope that you will accept it.


Now I know what I should have done from the start but I am afraid it is too late. I managed to hurt somebody and most propably loose the person I wanted to get to know me better and as I said the road is long and we cannot know were it leads.


I do not dare to hope anymore. I will just take everything as it comes and at the end maybe the side lines are better.


© 2004 Andreas, No reproduction, publishing without authors written permission. Any violation will be persecuted to the full extend of the law as all the work is fully copyrighted and protected.